| when your hands are full to overflowing |
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| 09:23pm 22/05/2004 |
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mood:  loved music: starflyer 59
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it's been, um, a really long time since i've updated at all, let alone properly, and i don't really see that changing anytime soon.
i'm too busy living to write out my life, and when the writing is constant it becomes too prominent, too much focusing on the words rather than the here and now and the living in the moment not on the page.
i've been reading too much again, but it's all japanese culture, and the elite groups therein, not the normal science fiction.
i've been driving a lot, or well, rather, reuben's been driving a lot and i've been going places instead of doing nothing.
i'm an adult now, legally that is. yet still completely childlike.
school's over. high school anyway. i'm going to miss those kids.
i'm going to drury in the fall. yeah, springfield, who would have thought?
a week or so ago marked three months with the boy. reuben, i mean. and i've never been happier. (that kid makes me happy.)
oh yeah, florida was fun. palm trees and beaches in the morning/night are the best. i could live there... but the best part of the trip was the bus ride. namely the way home.
my sister's cat likes lima beans. he ate the ones she picked out of her soup tonight. it was great.
when i was downstairs, mom said i looked forlorn, like winnie the pooh when that kessie bird left... heh.
i'm a lucky kid, you know. but when you're not around, i miss you far too much.
so, yeah, life is good, i'm happy, and glad things have all turned out perfectly.
<3 |
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| 09:38pm 13/04/2004 |
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it's funny how just seeing you smile makes everything perfect again... |
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| 09:56pm 09/04/2004 |
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i don't feel like living.
or rather, i don't want to do anything that isn't living completely.
and i don't feel as if i am.
i feel so lost.
(random: my cat doesn't seem to like C/A/T very much.)
cleaning out my (superold) email,
going through the life and times of that which i mistook for 'us'.
i feel like crawling out of my skin.
i wish i could forget my life thus far.
i know i always say no regrets/no surprises,
and the whole learning experiences thing.
but just for a little while,
i'd really like to forget.
*deletes*
(i wonder how long it takes before you're removed from the pre-fab.lists?)
i feel perpetually ill.
sick to my stomach.
saw kids today i'd not seen in years,
and i realized how much i've changed.
i wish i could speak my mind always,
but i refuse if it would harm.
i sort of feel as if i'm betraying myself,
but it's ok, it's worth it.
(right?)
i've been crying a lot lately.
usually of a night.
i don't know.
it's bad.
and i wish i wouldn't,
and i wish i didn't feel so alone.
i really miss you.
and i do feel as if you're withdrawing,
or maybe it's like backwardstrainriding,
and i really am,
but not just from you, from everything.
i feel so inadequate.
inferior.
as if you and the world deserve so much better,
more than i can offer.
and i feel like such a horrid person because of my weaknesses.
and my shortcomings.
so i'm going to go to bed and stare at the inside my of eyelids, squeezed tight to keep the salt and water in.
and wonder why i'm such a mess,
and wish i didn't feel so left behind and lost and alone and like i've lost my only love.
what?
i miss you. |
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| 09:28pm 05/04/2004 |
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i felt pushed aside today,
like a child,
in a cardboard box,
with torn shirtsleeves,
and bruised arms/face.
everyime someone mentions college i shrink inside.
i've sort of decided i don't want to go,
partially because i have no faith in educational systems,
partially because i can't see the right future in that direction,
partially because i'm terrified.
i'm tired of living in walls and
i want to live and learn for the sake of knowledge,
not because i need some degree to get a job so society can say i'm happy.
but i will go, because it's what's expected.
got another reed-letter,
and for a fraction of a second, i thought of what it would be like if i did go.
and because i'm big on association,
i know it couldn't work out.
i wish everyone would stay out of my business. (or not everyone, but you know)
i wish i knew what was going on.
i feel neglected, and i don't know why.
total binge tonight, which made me ill.
i think what pushed me over was the thought of going back to the way things were,
and progressing (f you could call it that),
and i convulsed, visibly, because of the sheer horridness of the thought.
i can't stop thinking about it though, not continuously, just randomly.
what was i thinking?
i feel like crying.
i hate that.
i hate the lack of control.
because that's what this is, i feel so helpless because i have no control over anything.
that may be another reason as to why i'm really not feeling the college-vibe.
i sort of feel as if i'm too old for that, even though i'm so young.
like i should be done by now or something.
i feel left behind, even though nobody has left yet.
i need more than i can ask.
more than i can admit.
all or nothing, like i've always been, and this almost just makes me insane.
and i'd like to apologize to anyone reading this,
again,
because this is just a vent these days,
and you're not seeing near a fraction of my proper feelings. |
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| 09:54pm 03/04/2004 |
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"fly specks! fly specks! i've been spending my life among fly specks, while miracles have been leaning on lamp posts at 18th and fairfax..." |
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| 05:14pm 31/03/2004 |
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if i came off as sounding unhappy on here, i didn't mean to be.
i'm happier now than i've been in ages.
i've not really been home much lately, other than today/yesterday, that is.
and i'm so not complaining, the time was well spent, due mostly to the company.
i'm so tired, i just can't seem to sleep enough...
my favourite old lady is having surgery next week, and i'm afraid... |
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| 05:05pm 30/03/2004 |
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diabetic?
anemic?
stress?
anxiety attacks?
hmm, yeah those last two sound aboiut right.
i apologize for being so lame and such.
i lash out when im afraid...
lash out and turn all self-destructive, which just ends up hurting others when i didn't mean for it to be that way.
such a mess, but evrything's ok now.
always ok. |
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| 03:51pm 30/03/2004 |
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i needed you today, but i couldn't tell you that, couldn't ask it of you.
driving home, if i hadn't had her with me, i don't know what would have happened
kept telling me to slow down.
so reckless.
rivers on cheecks.
crying, like an animal.
something wild and primitve taking over.
nobody ever sees me like that, nobody ever will.
shaking, trembling, rocking because if you move hard enough everything will stop
but it never does.
bit my lip raw.
not caring.
can't get cold enough to match the cold inside.
equilibrium.
dissolved.
feeeling like my insides are ging to come out,
up my throat,
like my lower lip is full to bursting.
electric in the intense sort of way, not a shocking.
i think something may really be wrong, but i don't know what.
i think i just can't handle this.
or anything.
or when wounds are opened,
souls exposed,
and i feel so lost.
exposed, exposed, exposed,
for nothing.
and i can't stop. |
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| 09:41pm 22/03/2004 |
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music: ella fitzgerald & louis armstrong - "the nearness of you"
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the funny thing about addictions,
sometimes they go both ways... |
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| 06:00pm 15/03/2004 |
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audra - where were you today?
i missed you. |
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| the opposite of right, and i don't mean wrong. |
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| 05:21pm 15/03/2004 |
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recap:
saturday:
word. (yeah, that pretty much sums everything up fairly well...)
the morning was spent at that "skeet shoot" thing,
senior class and whatnot.
the best part was really the cody-part.
cody being mrs. ward's 10-month-old kid.
i went with her to go get him, and gosh that kid is neat.
oh, and the bird thing.
not the skinning, but the random cliche comment.
the afternoon was spent with the jimmy neutron marathon,
because i just wanted to curl up and not move for a little bit.
the evening was spent with someone i'd missed far too much as of late,
went to "the movie" - there's no way i could have seen that with anyone else.
and stayed out late, just being together...
needless to say, i didn't want to go home.
(i'm glad one of us is responsible when it comes to things like that...
because if it were left to me, leaving would never be an option.)
gosh, i love that boy.
(and if you ever leave again, i think i'll go quite insane.)
i had a lovely night.
thank you for that, and for everything.
we should, uh, do it again sometime.
*blinks*
sunday:
went to springfield with a van full of girls,
and had a wonderful time.
i saw the prettiest dress, and it fit perfectly, and do you know how rare it is for me to find something that won't need to be altered?
but it was too much money for not having a reason to buy it.
handfulls, sugar free, and shoes in every direction.
talk of boys and other such girl-topics.
very rare thing for me, but i enjoyed it.
and tomorrow night i have a date.
with mary and ricki, that is.
so that shall be fun, all dressed up with nowhere to go,
because, really, west plains has nothing...
but that's ok.
and sunday night,
talking to my old ladies,
i'm really going to miss them.
especially eloise.
and not just because they always make me feel good.
(last night she told me i was beautiful, and beautiful "in there" (while pointing), "where it counts" and gosh, that made me feel good. because it's coming from someone who doesn't have to say things like that.)
today:
was a very long day.
random spanish words, and we read these papers for mrs. ward that were aucutally rather interesting.
about education and performance assesment and how kids with IEPs can't be failed and how it's not a good thing.
and hannah and i should have IEPs, should be under the 'at risk' thing.
because that's what they said would happen when programs were cut.
but nobody's done a single thing,
and deterioration runs rampant.
"halfy!"
melted plastic in third hour,
ate the last of the leftovers,
and talked about fashion designers.
lunch was the funniest thing ever,
but only if you're one of two people,
because you kids, you were totally playing out/into scenarios discussed ages ago,
and it was hilarious.
thankfully the frogs stayed out of fourth hour,
but unfortunately so did you.
stacey made a comment today,
and i'd forgotten how observant she is,
because she was onehunderedpercent right.
renee is amazing.
really.
she made everything ok last hour...
most of which was spent in the back matting things,
as always,
and talking to reuben.
i really don't mean to be vague, or avoid things,
sometimes it's just not the right place, not the right time.
and i'm terrified.
but putting that aside,
sometimes i just don't know what to say or how to say it.
or i don't think i need to,
because you know what i'm thinking even if i don't say,
even if you think you don't.
i wish i could have talked to you a bit after school,
but ryan needed you,
and that's ok.
tonight's going to be long as well, i fear.
i feel so lost,
and i want to go somewhere, or do something, or have something to do,
because all i ever do anymore is kill time, waste time.
i feel really weird today.
right now.
empty, yet overly full.
i miss you. |
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| shiver. |
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| 09:22pm 12/03/2004 |
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mood:  alone. music: dj shadow - "giving up the ghost (original version)"
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there's no way that i've only been awake 15 hours.
it feels like 15 days.
school today was auctually relatively stress-free.
i think it was mostly because of our little mid-morning snack,
brownies and mocha almond fudge ice cream at 9:45.
and finding nemo for the whole of second hour.
(except when i was listening to justin's music.
i'd forgotton how nice coldplay were.)
and talks and more movies third hour,
semi-smiles and near tears.
cookies for lunch and merely laying about in the middle of the floor in astronomy...
talking to my audra and suchlike.
the only thing i really did today was a bit of reading last hour.
beowulf and whatnot.
(and oh! the funniest thing ever, and one of those nice thing that make me feel good, all were wrapped up in the whole of those final hours.)
thank you for the inclusion.
and afterwards, took stacey home, and went over to kelly's new place to see the horses.
came back to school and worked for ages at that ballgame...
which was auctually not as bad as i'd thought,
sinc it was like, kelly and ryan and i.
and brett stopped in for a bit.
those kids are funny.
kelly and i were talking about college, and the fears of leaving people behind and suchlike.
(i'm really going to miss her. and audra. and my reuben... word.)
and ryan was all "man, i miss reuben!"
(yeah, me too...)
there was this old man that was really, really funny.
and these two ladies that kept coming back and made us laugh forever.
and small children with money in their shoes.
and i had some of that blasted cotton candy,
because my head hurt and i was exhausted.
driving home, i felt like drifting off.
turned up this song loud enough so i couldn't hear the road,
just feeling the sound in my bones.
and i just felt so, alone...
still do, auctually.
cold and alone.
i hate that.
i think i may go sit outside and not-think.... |
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| 08:50am 12/03/2004 |
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yesterday may have been a long day, but it was good for me, in a way.
reuben called last night, and then again,
which really surprised me, because i didn't think i'd hear from him at all while he was gone.
so yeah, that really just made the whole day ok.
<3
and this morning, kelly brought katy-friendly stuff.
man!
and i think we're going to go raid mrs. riley's freezer and eat that "ice cream" i left yesterday.
ms. weber sort of lectured us this morning,
but nobody was in a bad mood,
and nobody got upset,
so it was all ok.
david's up here talking about his large breasts.
(and pretty computers)
but i think that's my cue to go... |
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| lights. |
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| 09:54pm 11/03/2004 |
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mood: small, alone, exhausted. music: SF59
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this has been one of the longest days in recent katy-history.
(i just misspelled my own name. three times!)
i'm glad the science fair is over and done with.
much of today was spent doing things related,
and i didn't get home until almost nine whatwith the cleanup.
ate too much again today.
i've got to stop that.
there are certain things about me that i don't always like,
like my tendency to sporadically go into workaholic mode, and refuse to relax.
pushed myself to the limits today,
so much, in fact, that when i came home and knocked over that big flowerpot with the car, i was so far gone i didn't even realize it.
i can't tell people no when they ask me to do things for them.
but i did do one thing today that made me feel good,
and i hope that little bit helped those girls.
(i wonder what happened anyway?)
stressed and ready to drop,
funny how simple unexpected words can make everything seem ok.
it's so lovely outside tonight...
clear sky, perfect stars...
if i said i thought of you all day, would it be overly cheesy?
because i did.
i miss you. |
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| 06:02pm 10/03/2004 |
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linguistics = swoonage.
words = beauty.
talk to me. |
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| 04:05pm 10/03/2004 |
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top 0.1515151515...%
is that enough to qualify for eliteism? |
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| to the masses: |
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| 05:36pm 08/03/2004 |
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mood: quiet. music: chords and melodies in my head.
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private entries have increased in frequency,
in my openness i find a need to have something to myself,
or perhaps i'm really only becoming more guarded.
needlessly, of course.
but if you really want to know anything at all, just ask.
conclusions:
1. i should stick to colour photography, because i base too much on colour.
or at least learn to ignore colour and let structure and form, texture and light, draw me in.
which would probably be beneficial in making both types better, not only the one.
but i do love my colours...
2. if i want something done, i should really just do it myself.
too many times when others said they'd 'take care of it', it never happened.
of course, the things i needed to do weren't done either, but at least it's my own fault.
2a. people aren't really as trustworthy as i generally think they are.
but hey, benefit of the doubt and whatnot...
3. life is beautiful.
really, just, stop and look sometime.
this past week or so i've turned observer,
i'd rather listen than speak, (as you may or may not have noticed)
and watch than take part,
because i just want to take it all in.
4. just because i claim self-suffience doesn't mean i always enjoy it. |
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| 07:45pm 03/03/2004 |
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music: dean martin - "sway"
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today was a very, very long day.
the dancing bit was fun, as was the impromptu partything.
(i hope miss kelly stops being so stressed, though - i worry about her.)
then there was a lot of ickyness,
and weakness,
and the like.
sometimes i really don't know what i'd do without reuben...
i love that kid.
(thank you)
rainrainrain and a killer headache.
i just woke up,
and i wish i had done that speech stuff last night,
because i'm exhausted,
and i just want to curl up and sleep forever. |
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| 10:06pm 02/03/2004 |
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and perhaps it would be better,
but i'm so sick of the background views.
oh please don't let me do anything stupid... |
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achingtobe's journal
